2005 CHRISTMAS PANTO
James and the Techno Coloured Hibees-mad panto
By
James Edward
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One day Vladula summoned his chief cook, postie and general dogsbody Gadgey54 to hear his new commands,
“How can you brainwash people who ain’t got no brains to start with?” asked Gadgey54 confused.
“Trust me I know what I am doing, I have had much experience in Mother Russia comrade gadgey54“ retorted Vladula.
Meanwhile elsewhere in Corgie Guntsville, in a dark damp wee cellar at the back of the castle, Vladulas four bodyguards, the Four Wanabee Bears, Cent, Boom ,Numbers and Wee Arthur People were drinking their favourite tipple, buckie, and talking about the good auld times and traditions, and no surrender if they ever got captured. 
Their leader the Big Bad Wolf (RamboJambo2) was in a meeting with Vladula to finalise plans for a new raid on Hibby territory, it went like this, “come inside Wolf, youfocoffee“ asked Vladula.
“Aye, and you can get tae Falkirk yourself” answered the BBWolf, uninTIMidated.
“No I ask youfocoffee, aye?“ Vladula asked again
“Say that one mair time and I’ll go square corners with yous, money or no money“
Vladula wondered what was wrong with the BBwolf, so he said it one more time,
“W o u l d y o u l i k e c o f f e e? and excuse my Russian/Scots” he slavered out slowly.
The BBWolf said “Ocht right, that’s ok then, and I’ll take a wee dram in mine if that’s allowed” answered the BBWolf.
Scene 2
Elsewhere in Scotland, a place called Cumbernauld, a brave knight called Peterlocks, his serf Sutton, and noble steed ‘Brave-Erse’ the panto horse, set off to meet the Three wise men. 
Now, Brave-Erse was no ordinary panto steed, because the front end was Mat in his sheep nokkin kilt and the rear end was Plunk in his (first to wear the) Green and White get up.
Peterlocks, being the brave knight and general do-gooder that he was, had offered to escort the Three wise men to Gorgieland as the way was far and dangerous, full of Weegies and Wanabee Bears.
The Three wise men, Cortex, Gavin and Boggy (Many will dispute the fact that they was wise in the first place but there you go) were following a star which would stop in Gorgieland where a baby king Jebus would be born.
There was only one problem though, the progress was slow and for a good reason, the rear end of the horse was kicking and bucking and the front end shouting and cursing,
“Plunk why do you keep kicking me in the ankles my loon” said Mat
“Because you keep farting and I’m being gassed” answered Plunk who then gave Mat another hefty kick and said "The next one will be right up your Trossachs BTW“
Mat retorted, “Open the side flap for fresh air then you bawbag , anyways don’t yous know horses are always breaking wind“.
Peterlocks and the Three wise men looked on perplexed.
“Oh no! not another problem, what now brave-Erse, oh noble steed” asked Peterlocks, and the horse answered back “I cant follow yonder star because I keep seeing two stars loon“.
Peterlocks answered “There is only one true star”
“ No” answered the horse “This is not true, everyone knows there are two stars“.
One of the wise men, Cortex, lived up to his title when he solved the problem by putting blinkers on Brave-Erse and feed him carrots, instead of baked beans, then they all set off for Gorgieland.
Scene3
Meanwhile back at Corgie Guntsville castle, the two captured Hibees, Steve and G-Flash was being forced to stir porridge all day long for the cook, Gadgey54.
The Two Hibees asked "How long are we to keep stirring"
“How long is Chinese” said the cook with a wry smurk, then he snarled
"Yous never had no problems before with stirring, you've been at it for years. Now get back to work you lazy work shy idle Hibee bassas ya“.
In the meantime the four Wanabee Bears were getting hungrier and meaner by the minute.
Numbers said to Wee Arthur People “When we finish with these Hibee prisoners we will turn them into good Jambos (I know I know, there‘s no such thing, but it‘s only a panto after all) and they will forget all that Pikey stuff”
The cook was summoned to Vladula, it was mail time for the castle couriers,
“I’m no a postie” said the cook.
“You do what I tell you” said Vladula “I want these maroon (a sort of sh!ty red colour) envelopes with white powder in them delivered.”
“I’m no happy with this mail lark all these people have runny noses and colds here” answered the cook “and I dinny want to get sick“
Vladula said, "That's why I want you to bring those envelopes, they contain crushed aspirin so they will get better. You see they snort this up their noses with a rolled up one pound note, it’s a very old Russian custom BTW“.
Scene 4
December 24th at around 23:30, the handsome prince Eck and his wife Maraniko, a true Jambo princess, whom Vladula hated because he thought her a traitor to his cause, was both wandering round Gorgieland looking for a place to stay as the baby Jebus was almost due. 
Eck had asked at several inns, The Diggers & Tynecastle Arms to name but two, and the answer was always the same,
“Sorry no room” because they were full with Jambos and Wanabee Bears.
Later they came to a wee farm, called Gorgie City Farm, where a good natured Jambo with a cheeky wee smile, gave them a wee stable all forlorn, for the price of a wee bag of sweeties.
Earlier that evening our brave knight and steed had arrived at castle Vladula with the magi and demanded entrance.
“What do you want” snarled the Big Bad Wolf”
“Food and a drink” replied the knight.
“What do you think we are here, a benevolent society” the BBWolf shouted out .
“We are bearing gifts of frankincense, myrrh and gold for the baby Jebus” said the knight.
“Gold!” Said the BBWolf excitedly “come in, come inside, my hoose is your hoose“.
Once inside though Peterlocks sneaked off, and after snooping around a while looking for something to complain about he came across the two Hibees prisoners, still dressed in their (First to Wear the) Green and White hose, shackled up to a large porridge pot. He was told that they had been caught and sentenced to porridge slave labour for life.
“Why this is a gross injustice and against all human rights and I will do all that I can to set you both free and right this wrong“. said Peterlocks.
He, as per usual, came up with a plan, a plan where he told the two hapless and gormless Hibees to pour bottles of buckie in the porridge so that the Four Wanabee Bears would be total blootered later. This plan worked a treat and our brave knight released the two Hibbees and smuggled them out inside the panto horse, in a sort of Trojan horse way, but in reverse.
Scene 5
Midnight on Gorgie Farm ,all the people desended on the stables, the Three Wise men and a panto horse full with Four people, and all the usual passers by, but no Peterlocks, he was absent, he was AWOL!
“The baby was born and was called Jebus” said Eck proudly
“Though another one came out and this one we called Ivan, yet another one came along and I shouted, Oh Eck" said Eck “and it‘s just stuck” and so folks this is how the holy trinity came about.
Jebus, Ivan and Oh Eck.
Meanwhile over at Corgie Guntsville Castle, it was a madhoose, the Four Wanabee Bears were all asleep and dreaming sweet loyal dignified dreams.
Wee Arthur people was talking in his sleep, “Don't forget the wee red hand“ he mumbled, but his sweet dreaming was rudely broken as a screaming BBWolf was shaking and kicking them to awake them pronto.
“Up ,Up you bawbags, we have work to do, the Hibees have escaped, thanks to a certain do-gooder from Cumbernauld, but I know where they are, they are with even more Hibees so move your @rses”
The gang of would be desperados set off for the stable and when they arrived they could force no entrance because of a panto horse that was kicking everything and everyone that came near to it.
Now enter our valiant Hero, Peterlocks appears on the scene with the Lone Ranger Embrager, and his trusty Indian warrior pal Lippy and a posse of polis Brian ,Thief, May and Hibby AL and the ugly sister Jimmy. 
They arrested the Four Bears and the BBWolf and took them to the City Zoo/Jail (CC Blooms)
“What yous doing”screamed the bears
“We are loyal “ the BBWolf said “And Wee Arthur People has got a red hand, no surrender ‘N’ aw that”
The Lone Ranger said “You animals belong in a zoo, as for you’re wee red hand, well you will have plenty of time for that behind bars“.
Gadgey 54 was also captured and stated “I was only following orders and Union Rules”
The Lone Ranger said “Well we’ve found a nice job for you now, cleaning the cages and cooking for the Wannabe Bears and BBWolf for evermore.”
Alls well that ends well and the mystery of Peterlocks going AWOL was also soon explained.
The knight said “I ran away to report these Wanabee Bears and BBWolf to the Lone Ranger and Lippy and the polis and now they are in a place where the birds cant crap on them.”
Peterlocks got a reward, he went on pilgrimage with the wise men to Santiago de Parkheed, a holy place for some people, the panto horse parted (yes I did mean parted) and Mat and Plunky went their separate ways, well with lots of sheep in the vicinity it could only be expected for Mat to get restless.
The two gormless Hibees became godparents to the holy trinity.
AS for Gadgey54, he as to cook and clean at the zoo every day, make porridge with loads of buckie to keep the prisoners docile and this needs a hell of a lot of stirring.
That's all Folks
Merry Christmas to you all
James Edward
